Mercy Hill Church of San Jose

Grace-Based Marriage: Roles

Ephesians 5:22-33

We are doing a series which I’ve called “Grace-Based Marriage.”  And this morning I want to tackle the topic of roles in marriage.  What’s the role of the husband?  What’s the role of the wife?

There’s two different ways of answering those questions.  There’s the Egalitarian position, which says there’s no difference in the husband’s and wife’s roles.  The husband is not the head of the wife.  The husband does not have primary responsibility to lead, protect, and provide for his wife.  Both share all the responsibilities together.  That’s how Jan and I started off our marriage, because that’s what we’d been taught by significant people in our lives.

But then one day I attended a debate on this topic.  One of the men argued for the Egalitarian position.  He read the passages where Paul says the husband is the head of the wife, and he explained that this was not an absolute truth for all time, it was just a way that Paul, as a smart missionary, was adapting to the culture of the time.

That seemed plausible to me, until I heard what the other man said.  He said that the problem with that position is that it’s not what Paul actually said.  Paul never says the husband should be head of the wife to accommodate to culture.   He says husbands should be head of the wife to display Christ’s headship over the church.  That’s the reason Paul gives.  So these commands are not God’s temporary plan for marriages in that culture.  They are God’s timeless plans for all marriages in all cultures.

When I heard that, I knew he was right, and that I had been wrong.  I left that debate realizing that I had not been fulfilling my God-given role as husband.  And when I shared this with Jan, she was in complete agreement.  And so now we understand that we have different roles.  We are absolutely equal before God.  Jesus loves us equally.  We are equally saved.  But Jesus calls me to be the head – which means that I have primary responsibility to lead, protect, and provide for my wife and family.  I am called to exercise loving leadership in my home.  And Jesus calls Jan to respectfully and willingly follow my leadership.

That’s called the Complementarian position.  Complement with an “e,” meaning that our roles are different, but equally vital; benefiting each other.

Picture it like Dancing with the Stars.  When you see a couple flawlessly and beautifully dancing, is there any sense that one of them is inferior?  No.  Is there any sense that one of them is unimportant?  No.  Is there any sense in which one of them is being limited?  No.

The man is always leading.  The woman is always following.  And the result is harmony, unity, beauty.

To see this in God’s Word, let’s turn to Ephesians 5.  If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and one of the ushers will bring one to you.  Ephesians 5 is on page 978 in the Bibles we are passing out.  Let’s start with the husband’s role -- What is the husband’s role?  Start reading in v.22 --

22            Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

23            For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

24            Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

So the husband is to be head of the wife.  Some say the word “head” means “source.”  But when the Greek word is used to talk about people, it usually refers to a position of leadership.  Paul is saying is that God has chosen to give man the responsibility of leadership in marriage.  The husband’s role is to lead his wife.  It’s not because the man is smarter or more spiritual.  I’m not sure why God chose man.  But God has chosen the man to be the leader. 

So the responsibility is on you, men, to lead your wife and family when it comes to finances, involvement in Sunday worship and home group, family times in the Word and prayer, raising your kids.  This doesn’t mean you go off alone and make all these decisions and then announce them to your wife.  No, if you are a smart leader you will initiate conversation with your wife about these things and listen to her wisdom and then decide.  But Jesus holds you responsible for leading your family in these areas.

And since God calls you to be the leader, then if you and your wife disagree, you have the burden of making the final decision.  You need to seek Jesus, pray, be in God’s Word, and make the final decision.  The husband is to lead his wife.

Keep reading in v.25 -- 

25            Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

So the husband’s role is also to love his wife -- as Christ loved the church.  That’s how we lead – with love.  We love our wives like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.  This does not mean we give our wives every single thing they want.  But it means we always put them before ourselves.  We always serve them.  We always ask – what does she need, how can I help, how can I serve? 

Keep reading in v.26 --

26            that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

27            so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

So the husband’s role is to pastor his wife.  To lead her spiritually.  To pray with her.  To share Scripture with her.  To help her have time to meet with Jesus.  To lead her to Sunday worship.  To lead her into a home group.  The wife should not be the one who constantly has to initiate prayer times or time in the Word.  This is what Jesus calls the husband to do.

And then look at vv.28-29 --

28            In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

29            For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,

That word “nourish” shows that the husband’s role is to provide for his wife.  Men, Jesus calls you to bear primary responsibility to provide for your wife and children.  Now this raises lots of questions: what if the husband is on disability and can’t work?  What if the husband’s income is not enough to live on? 

Bring all these questions before Jesus.  Pray.  Talk together about it.  He has a plan.  Proverbs 31 shows that there’s nothing wrong with a wife working.  But what’s best for your children is to have mom at home.  What your kids need more than a higher standard of living is a mom who’s at home. 

Now there may be seasons which are less than ideal.  But Jesus will guide and provide.  When we needed money to help Anna with college, Jesus provided the perfect job for Jan, where she taught at Brad’s school at the exact hours he was there.  Jesus will provide everything you need, but the point is that the husband has the primary responsibility to provide for his wife.

So the husband’s role is to be the loving leader who pastors and provides for his wife. 

Now men, at this point you should be feeling really inadequate – because we are.  There’s only one way you will be able to do this.  By sinking your roots deep into Christ’s grace.  Let the Cross bring us the grace of forgiveness for how we have failed in this.  Sink your roots into Christ’s forgiveness of you, His righteousness given to you, His promises made to you – so that His grace overcomes our insecurities, selfishness, laziness, and fearfulness – and we can be the loving leader who pastors and provides for his wife.

So what is the wife’s role?  We have already seen from this passage that the wife’s role is to submit to her husband’s loving leadership.  The way I like to summarize that is by saying that the wife’s role is respectful followership.  The husband’s role is loving leadership, the wife’s role is respectful followership.

Now I thought that the best way to drill into this is by dealing with some real-life scenarios, and explain what respectful followership means in each case.

So let’s think about a scenario in which the husband is not leading.  What if the husband is not leading?  Let’s say for example that your husband has been laid-off and is not looking for work.  You might think that submission means doing nothing and just trusting Jesus to work everything out.  But that’s not what it means.

Notice in Ephesians 5:22 that wives should submit to their husbands as to the Lord.  Wives, your ultimate submission is to Jesus.  And if you see your husband sinning, Jesus calls you to speak truth to your husband in a way that honors his role as leader.  So submission does not being passive.

So what should you do?  Start by sinking your roots deep into Jesus yourself.  You have your own relationship with Jesus.  So come before the Cross, see His love for you, His forgiveness of you, His righteousness given to you, His promises given to you.  And let Jesus make you strong.

Then pray earnestly for your husband, and ask Jesus to work in his heart so he starts looking for work.  Cast all your cares upon Jesus.  He will take care of you.  Be strong in Him.

Then if your husband still doesn’t go out and look for work, go to him and talk with him.  Say something like: “I know it’s been very hard to be laid off.  And I want to encourage you that Jesus will provide the job you need.  But, with all due respect, it’s not right that you are not looking for work.  Jesus would call you to look for work.  So please start looking for work.”  And then you let it go.  You don’t nag.  You don’t gossip about him.  And keep praying.

Now if your husband still does not look for work, then you could ask a brother who knows your husband, or maybe your home group leader, to go with you talk with him, along the lines of Matthew 18.  And if your husband still doesn’t respond, then you should talk with the elders, and have them talk with your husband.  And in the meantime you might need to get a job so you and your kids can eat.

So submission does not mean passively doing nothing.  But it does mean seeking to honor your husband’s leadership in all that you do.

What if the husband is being selfish?  What if he just comes home at night, eats dinner, and then plops down in front of the TV until bedtime.  No time with the kids.  No leading the family spiritually.  Just being selfish.  What should a submissive wife do? 

Again, sink your roots deep into Christ’s grace.  Be absolutely confident and strong and secure in Jesus’ love for you.  Submissive women are not weak women.  Like Peter says in I Peter 3, submissive women hope in God so they are absolutely fearless. 

And pray for your husband.  Ask Jesus to change his heart.

Then, if nothing changes, go to your husband.  Appeal to your husband.  Don’t scold or nag or demean him.  But graciously and humbly appeal to him based on God’s Word.  Ask him to change.  Tell him you would love to follow His spiritual leadership with the kids.  Share with him that in the meantime you’ll go ahead and read God’s Word and pray with the kids. But that you’d much prefer to have him doing it.

What if the husband is leading in a sinful direction?  What if your husband says he wants you sign off on a fraudulent tax return so you can save a lot of money on your taxes?  Now you might think that being submissive means obeying your husband, but that’s not right.  Remember in v.22 Paul says that wives should submit to their husbands as they submit to the Lord.  Your ultimate submission is to the Lord.  And because Jesus tells you not to sign that fraudulent tax return, you can’t sign that fraudulent tax return.

So what you should do?  First, sink your roots deep into Christ’s grace, and get so strong in him that you are fearless.  Then, go to your husband.  Tell him you would love to follow His leadership.  But explain that Jesus is your ultimate authority, and he says this is wrong, so you can’t sign.  Don’t insult him or humiliate him or scold him.  Just respectfully tell him that you can’t follow his leadership in this.

What if the husband is leading in a foolish direction?  What if he wants to take the family on a cruise, which you think is more than you can afford?  What should you do?

You might be tempted to argue with him about it.  To fight him in this decision.  To let this become a point of conflict again and again and again.  But that’s not submission.

On the other hand, you might think submission means saying nothing and just going along.  Keeping your concerns to yourself.  But that’s not submission, either.

Submission means humbly and lovingly expressing your concerns to him, and explaining why you think this is not a good idea.  Then urge him to seek Jesus and the Word for wisdom, and let him know that you will follow whatever he thinks Jesus wants the family to do.  And the support him in whatever he decides.

To do this, you will need to sink your roots deep into Christ’s grace.  You will need to see Jesus in all His power and authority and love, so you can trust your husband’s decision to Jesus.  So you can know that even if he continues in what you think is an unwise direction, Jesus will take care of it.

Questions

So Jesus calls husbands to loving leadership, and he calls you wives to respectful followership.  And what will enable you husbands to do this is you sinking your roots deep into Christ’s grace.  And what will enable you wives to do this is you sinking your roots deep into Christ’s grace.  So sink your roots into Christ’s grace, and lead with love, and follow with respect.

Sunday Morning Worship: 10:00am

Allen at Steinbeck Elementary School
820 Steinbeck Dr
San Jose, CA 95123

Ph. 408.997.9387

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