Mercy Hill Church of San Jose

Colossians: A Letter from Jail

Pursuing Marriage in Christ

Colossians 3:18-19

Let’s turn to Colossians 3.  If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and one of the ushers will bring one to you.  Colossians 3 is on page 984 in the Bibles we are passing out.

Let me remind you of this letter’s background.  At around the year 51 AD Paul was in Ephesus telling people about Jesus.  And a man named Epaphras traveled from his hometown in Colossae to Ephesus, where he heard Paul talk about God, creation, our sin, how Jesus died on the Cross to save us from our sins and bring us into relationship with God, and that if we will repent of our sins and trust Jesus, we will be forgiven, transformed, and brought into relationship with God.

So Epaphras repented of his sin and put His trust in Jesus.  Then he went back to his hometown of Colossae, and told his family and friends about Jesus.  Many of them repented of their sin, put their trust in Jesus, and a church was established in Colossae.

A couple years later Paul was in Rome, where he had been thrown in prison for telling people about Jesus.  And Epaphras went to Rome to visit Paul in jail.  And Epaphras told Paul about how God had established a church in Colossae – which thrilled Paul.  And God led Paul to write this letter to this church in Colossae which Paul had never met.

And Paul writes this letter to help them see more clearly who Jesus is, to warn them about influences in their culture that could draw them away from Jesus, and to teach them about what it means to follow Jesus in every area of their lives.  And in today’s passage Paul talks about what it means to follow Jesus in marriage.

So this morning we are going to focus on what it means to follow Jesus in marriage.  But what if you are single?  Why is this topic important for you?  One obvious reason is because if Jesus calls you to marriage, this will help you decide who to marry.  And another reason is because here at Mercy Hill you are in community here with married people, and there will be times when you need to pray for and counsel married people who have struggles in their marriages.  And to do that effectively you need to understand how Jesus wants marriage to function.

So let’s take a look at what Paul says in vv.18-19 --

18         Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

19         Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Let’s start with what Paul says to the wives.  He calls wives to submit to their husbands.  Now when some of you hear the word “submit,” you have images, and maybe even memories,  of physical abuse, of a domineering husband, of a husband barking out orders, of a man making his wife do all the work.  But that’s not at all what Paul is saying here in Colossians, or what God says in His Word.

What we find in God’s Word is that from the time that God first created man and woman, God calls men and women to different roles, and the difference becomes specially clear in marriage.

Men are called to loving leadership.  I get the word “leadership” from v.18 -- that wives are to submit to their husbands.  And I get the word “loving” from what Paul says in v.19 – that husbands are to love their wives.

So the husband is to love.  In Ephesians 5 Paul says that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and laid down His life – died -- for her.  So while wives are called to submit, husbands are called to die.  Jesus calls you husbands to die to your own preferences, your own rights, your own needs – and care for your wife.  That’s what it means to love your wife.

And the husband’s love involves leadership.  In Ephesians 5 Paul says that the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church.  This means that the husband bears primary responsibility for leadership, provision, and protection in the home.  If the budget is not balanced, if the kids are disrespectful, Jesus primarily holds the father responsible.

So the husband is the leader – and his leadership is all about love.  Men, if you say or do anything unkind towards your wife; if you bark out orders to your wife; if you make your wife do all the work -- Jesus is angry, and you need to repent.  Because Jesus calls you to loving leadership.

And women are called to respectful followership.  That’s what Paul is saying in v.18 – “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”  Submission means respectful followership.  That means you welcome your husband’s leadership, respect your husband’s leadership, and follow your husband’s leadership.

So God calls men and women to different roles – men to loving leadership, and women to respectful followership. 

But there are lots of people today who say that this makes the man and woman unequal; that it means the husband is superior, and the wife inferior; that it makes the wife less important, and the husband more important.

But think about ballroom dancing.  In ballroom dancing the man and woman clearly have different roles: the man takes the lead and the woman follows his lead.  The man is always leading, the woman is always following. 

And when you watch excellent ballroom dancing, there is no sense that the man is superior and the woman inferior.  There is no sense that the woman is less important, and the man more important.  Not at all.  The man and woman are both essential to the dance, both equally important to the dance, and both have great joy in the dance.  And the result is breathtaking, awesome, beautiful.

So when you hear Paul calling wives to submit, picture a ballroom dance.  The woman is respectfully following the lead of a loving man, and the result is beautiful.

But now what is the rationale for this command?  Some people say that the only reason Paul commands this is because it was expected in that culture.  They say that in 60 AD women were supposed to submit to a husband’s leadership; so Christians wives were to fit in by submitting to a husband’s leadership.  But since our culture today doesn’t encourage women to submit to a husband’s leadership, we no longer need to obey what Paul says here.

Does that question make sense?  OK – so what’s the answer?  The best starting place for every question is the passage itself, so let’s look again at v.18 to see if Paul tells us the motivation behind this command --

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Paul says wives should do this because it “is fitting in the Lord.”  Not because it “is fitting in today’s culture.”  But because it “is fitting in the Lord.”  It’s because this is how Jesus has made marriage to be.  Jesus has established marriage as a relationship in which the man exercises loving leadership and the woman respectful followership; so the wife’s submission fits what Jesus ordained marriage to be.

Let’s say that someone has planned for a dinner to be a formal banquet.  Now if you women went wearing a formal gown, that would be fitting, because it fits what the banquet is supposed to be.  But imagine how you would feel if you went wearing shorts and a T-shirt.  That would not be fitting.

That’s what Paul means when he says “wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”

But now what exactly does submission mean – and what does it not mean?

Submission means welcoming your husband’s leadership.  I get this from the fact that Paul commands wives to submit to husbands as is fitting in the Lord.  Paul is saying that submission means recognizing that Jesus has placed this man in your life as your loving leader, and welcoming this man’s leadership.

Now won’t this limit you?  Won’t this put a crimp on your freedom?  Sure.  But we have to understand: this is what marriage is.  This is what Jesus has established marriage to be.  So when you married your husband you were committing to follow his lead for the rest of your life.  And it means trusting that Jesus will bring you his best through your husband’s leadership.

Now here’s a hint for you women who hope to get married.  Marry a man you will gladly follow for the rest of your life.  Marry a man who will lead you spiritually, who will lead you to Jesus, who will lead you in advancing Jesus’ mission.  Don’t marry a man you need to lead.  Don’t marry a man you need to mother.  Marry a man you want to follow – because that’s what marriage is.

Second, submission means following your husband’s leadership.  I get that from the word “submit.”  So if your husband sits down with you and goes over your budget and says – “We just can’t afford Starbucks every week,” then thank Jesus that your husband is taking leadership, and follow his leadership.  If he says – “I feel like there is some tension in our relationship – can we talk about it?” then thank Jesus that your husband is taking leadership, and follow his leadership.  If he says – “Let’s start having home group people over,” then thank Jesus that your husband is taking leadership, and follow his leadership.  If he says – “I’d like us to start reaching out to people in our neighborhood,” then thank Jesus that your husband is taking leadership, and follow his leadership. 

Third – submission does not mean always agreeing with your husband.  I say that because women have minds and Bibles and their own relationship with Jesus, and there will be times when we husbands need to learn things from our wives.

So wives, what should you do when you disagree with your husband?  You should humbly and respectfully express your disagreement, and then you should tell him that you will trust Him to seek Jesus and you will follow his lead.

For example, let’s say you really want to go to the beach for vacation, but he really thinks the mountains would be best.  Now if we weren’t followers of Jesus, if we didn’t understand loving leadership and respectful followership, what would tend to happen?  There would be underlying tension in the home.  The husband would make hints about clean mountain air, and the wife would clip out articles about mosquitoes.  There would be an underlying tension, a lack of unity, a lack of harmony.

So what should happen instead?  The husband should sense the tension, take loving leadership, and initiate a time when the two of them can talk.  The husband should ask the wife for her thoughts, understanding that he does not know everything, and that he needs her wisdom.  So the wife should share her thoughts.  But then the wife also should say that if her husband thinks it would be best to go to the mountains, that she will gladly go.

But submission does not mean following your husband into sin.  If your husband wants to lead you into something that the Bible says is sin – what should you do?

You should understand that your ultimate authority is Jesus – and that you should never let your husband cause you to disobey Jesus.  So you should go to your husband and respectfully tell him that you long to follow his leadership, but that you can’t follow his leadership into sin.  You say this respectfully, lovingly, and firmly.  And then you could plead with him to submit to Jesus.  You could tell him you are going to pray for him.  And then if he doesn’t respond, you could pursue Matthew 18 and tell him you are going to ask your home group leader or one of the elders to talk with him.

So that’s submission – respectful followership.

But now let’s dig deeper into what Paul says to the husbands.  Read v.19 again --

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Paul gives two commands.  First, if you are married you are to love your wife. 

This means that you are to pursue her well-being, and you can do this because Jesus cares about and pursues your well-being.  You know Jesus will satisfy your heart in Himself, so you can spend time doing what she wants to do, you can listen to her instead of playing computer, you can fix the leaky faucet instead of watching TV. 

Loving your wife means leading her spiritually.  You are your wife’s pastor.  So ask how she is doing, and take time to listen.  Pray with her about her concerns and needs.  Share Scripture with her.  Establish regular time when you pray and read God’s Word together.  Be part of a home group together.  Initiate ideas on you can reach out in your neighborhood.

Loving your wife means providing for her.  The Bible does not say the wife can’t work outside the home.  But it does say that her priority should be the children, and the primary responsibility for providing is given to you, so do all you can so your wife can be home with the children.  Providing for her doesn’t mean buying anything she wants.  But it does mean doing all you can to provide food and shelter and clothes.  And understand that Jesus will enable you to do this.

Loving your wife means pursuing her romantically.  Go out on dates.  Buy her flowers.  Set up a night at a bed-and-breakfast.  If there’s tension in your sexual relationship, seek Jesus until your heart is at peace, and then sit down and talk with your wife about it. 

Loving your wife means taking responsibility for problems.  If you are tight on money, sit down with your wife and talk and pray and come up with a plan.  If there is a problem in your relationship, initiate a time to talk about it.  Men, if there is a problem in your marriage or in your household, it’s your job to take responsibility for it.  And Jesus will give you grace to do so.

Then, second, Paul also says that you must not be harsh with your wife.  Harsh is the opposite of love.  Love means you say and do what will bring her good; harsh means you say and do what brings her harm.

So this means there should never be a harsh touch.  You are the leader, but it’s not your job to make your wife follow.  She should follow, but that is her free choice.  If she chooses not to follow your lead, then continue to pray for her, love her, appeal to her.  You could have an older woman in the church talk with her.  But you never use physical force with her.

This also means there should never be a harsh word.  All your words should be gracious, gentle, caring.  All of them.  No yelling.  No name-calling.  No sarcasm.  If you are angry, go on a drive and seek the Lord until He brings you peace.  Call a brother in your home group and pray with him until you are at peace.  Never speak to your wife harshly or unkindly.

So that’s how Jesus calls us to be married – women are called to respectful followership, and men are called to loving leadership – and both are possible when we seek Jesus, trust Jesus, depend on Jesus.

Questions?

So women, what’s one area in which you are resisting your husband’s leadership?  Bring it to Jesus.  Then respectfully sit down with your husband and talk about it.  Express your thoughts and feelings.  And unless it involves him leading you into sin, tell him that you will follow his leadership.

And men, what’s one area of your marriage or household which needs your leadership?  Pray about it, ask Jesus for help, and lead.

And men, what’s one area in which you have been harsh?  If you can’t think of anything, ask your wives.

Sunday Morning Worship: 10:00am

Allen at Steinbeck Elementary School
820 Steinbeck Dr
San Jose, CA 95123

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