Mercy Hill Church of San Jose

Grace-Based Marriage: Purpose

Ephesians 5:31-32

This morning we are starting a series on marriage.  The statistics on marriage are bleak.  In this country 45% of all marriages – almost half -- end in divorce.[1]  And among those who call themselves Christian, 33% of all marriages end in divorce.[2]   Then think of all those who stay married, but whose marriages lack love and warmth and joy.

So statistically, things look bleak.  Statistically, 1/3 of all the marriages in this room will end in divorce, and a lot of the rest will lack love and warmth and security.

But that’s not how it’s supposed to be.  God wants our marriages not just to survive, but to thrive.  God wants our marriages to be marked by love, warmth, security, so they can be a foundation for raising Christ-centered kids and for advancing Jesus’ mission in our neighborhoods.

But how is that possible?  There’s only one way.  And that’s if our marriages are grace-based.  This morning I want to explain what that means, and then over the next weeks we’ll be drilling deeper into what that looks like for different areas of marriage.

So what does it mean for a marriage to be grace-based?  To answer that, let’s start with God’s purpose for marriage.   What is God’s purpose for marriage?  Let’s turn to Ephesians 5.  If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and one of the ushers will bring one to you.  Ephesians 5 is on page 978 in the Bibles we are passing out.

Here’s some background to this book.  At around AD 50 Paul visited Ephesus, preached the gospel, and a church was planted.  Then 10 years later, in AD 60, when Paul was a prisoner in Rome, he wrote this letter to that church.  And in this letter he describes what God has done for us in Jesus Christ, and how this powerful work of salvation transforms our lives in every area, including marriage.

And here in chapter 5 he explains how Jesus’ work of salvation transforms marriage.  We’ll be digging into this in more detail in the weeks to come, but this morning I want us to focus on two verses – verses 31-32 –

31            "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."

32            This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

In v.31 Paul quotes from Genesis 2:24, which is the most important verse in the Bible about marriage.  And because Genesis 2:24 is so important, let’s turn there so we can see it in it’s original context.  Keep your finger here in Ephesians 5, and turn all the way back to the first book in the Bible – Genesis, and look at chapter 2 verse 24.

Let me give you some background to this crucial verse.  In Gen 2:7 God creates Adam --

… then the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.

And then in vv.8-9 God created the Garden of Eden, with plants and fruit and rivers and almost everything Adam needed. 

I say almost everything, because at this point Adam is all alone, and look at what God says about that in v.18 –

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him."

And God brought all kinds of animals to Adam, but none of them were a suitable companion for him.

But look at what God does next, starting in v.21 –

21            So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.

22            And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

23            Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

So it was not good that Adam was alone, and God met this need by creating Eve.  Now this does not mean that if you are single God has chosen to let you be alone.  There’s other ways God gives us companionship.  But here God meets Adam’s need for companionship through Eve – through bringing him his wife. 

And look at the conclusion that Moses draws from this in v.24 – and this is the verse that Paul quotes in Ephesians 5:31 –

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Here Moses tells us four truths about marriage:

First, God created marriage.  V.24 explains why people get married.  It’s because God met Adam’s aloneness by bringing him his wife.  Which shows that marriage is not something we humans have come up with.  Marriage is ordained by God our Creator.  Marriage is part of God’s will for humanity.

Second, marriage involves the man establishing a new household.  “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother.”  The initiative is with the man.  We’ll talk more in coming weeks about how God calls husbands to loving, serving leadership.  But notice here that marriage is initiated by the man as he establishes a new household.

Third, marriage involves a God-created, exclusive, life-long closeness between a man and his wife.  Notice the next phrase: “and hold fast to his wife.”  This Hebrew word “hold fast” describes a strong, passionate, love and intimacy.  One Hebrew dictionary said it means “clinging together in affection and loyalty” (TWOT).  There’s other relationships in which we feel affection and loyalty.  But marriage is the closest.

And in Matthew 19 Jesus says that it’s God himself who joins husband and wife together, in a bond that must not be broken while both are still alive.  That’s why I say marriage involves a God-created, exclusive, life-long love.

Fourth, this closeness is expressed in sexual relations.  Notice the last phrase: “and they shall become one flesh.”  God made our bodies fit together in a way that brings great pleasure to both.  And this physical, sexual intimacy expresses and deepens the profound closeness and intimacy a man and woman have as husband and wife.  We’ll be talking more about sexual relations in the weeks to come as well.

Now with that in mind, let’s turn back to Ephesians 5 and read v.31 again --

31            "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."

So here Paul is referring to the God-created, exclusive, life-long closeness and intimacy of marriage.  And with that in mind, look at what Paul says in v.32 --

32            This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

“This mystery” – the wonder of marriage – “is profound.”  And “this mystery” of marriage “refers to Christ and the church.”  It points to Christ and the church.  Its purpose is to picture Christ’s grace towards the church.

Now when you hear “church” don’t think a building, or a meeting.  The church is all the redeemed, all those who have been saved through trusting Jesus, all those who are receiving Christ’s saving grace.

So the ultimate purpose of marriage is to be a picture of Christ’s grace towards the church.  God intends your marriage to show your children Christ’s grace.  God intends your marriage to show those in your home group Christ’s grace.  God intends your marriage to show your neighbors Christ’s grace.

But now to understand how this works in a real-life marriage, we’ve got to ask this next question: How is Christ gracious towards the church?  There’s three main ways:

First, Christ’s grace is freely given to an undeserving church.  Back in ch.2 of Ephesians Paul says that because of our rebellion against God, we deserve only God’s wrath.  Feel this.  Feel it deeply.  We do not deserve any grace.  We deserve only God’s wrath.  But Christ gives us grace – grace which is not deserved. 

That’s what marriage is to display, as the husband and wife continue to give each other undeserved grace.  Don’t think of what your husband or wife deserves; freely give them undeserved grace.

Second, Christ’s grace loves the church by giving himself up for her.  You can see that in Ephesians 5:25 –

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her …

Jesus loves the church.  He loves the church to the extent of giving himself up for her, dying to pay for her sins.  That’s how much he loved the church. 

And here in v.25 Paul specially applies this to husbands – this is how husbands love their wives.  But in Eph 5:2 Paul says that we are all supposed to love each other this way.  So in marriage both husband and wife are to display Christ’s grace by loving each other – giving ourselves up for each other.  Don’t talk about meeting your spouse half-way.  That’s not what Jesus did.  Jesus loves the church by giving himself up for her.

Third, Christ’s grace forgives the church.  You can see that in Ephesians 4:32 –

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Christ’s grace is a forgiving grace.  Christ never sins against us.  But every day Christ we sin against Christ, and every day he forgives us.

And that’s what marriage is to display, as the husband and wife forgive each other again and again and again.

That’s Christ’s grace.  And God chose to create marriage to display – to picture -- Christ’s grace towards the church.  The purpose for your marriage is to display Christ’s grace towards the church.

How can marriage picture Christ’s grace?  We’ll be going into more detail about this in the weeks to come.  But let me give you some examples.

Imagine a husband whose wife becomes sick soon after their wedding, and yet the husband continues to love and care for her.  That’s what happened to Benjamin Warfield.  He married his bride Annie and they took a trip to Europe.  While there, she was struck by lightning and spent the rest of her life as an invalid in bed.  And for the rest of their married life Benjamin Warfield cared for her.  Was faithful to her.  Loved her. 

That marriage fulfilled God’s purpose.  It displayed Christ’s grace.  It pictured how Christ’s grace gives himself up for the church, and never leaves the church.

Or imagine a wife whose husband was unfaithful to her.  And one day he comes to her and confesses his sin, weeping, repenting, pleading for forgiveness.  She is devastated.  Heartbroken.  He has sinned against her, and deserves to be left.  But instead, she chooses to forgive him.  She does not hold it against him.  She purposes to rebuild trust.  She does not love him any less, care for him any less, hold anything back from him.

That wife is fulfilling God’s purpose in marriage.  She is displaying Christ’s grace.  Her forgiveness which is not deserved by her husband displays how Christ’s grace is not deserved by the church.  Her dying to her dream of a faithful husband displays how Christ’s grace meant dying for the church.  Her continuing with her husband shows how Christ’s grace will never turn from the church.  She is displaying Christ’s grace.

Or imagine a husband who knows that distance has grown between him and his wife.  There’s years of hurt.  There’s years of pain.  There’s a wall built between them of resentment and bitterness.  But instead of letting that continue, he chooses to do something about it.  He chooses to tear that wall down.

He fears that in this conversation he might be rejected; might get shut down.  He knows he’s not good at this sort of thing, and that it will feel awkward.  But one day he asks his wife if they could sit down and talk.  He confesses his sin.  His unforgiveness.  His distance.  His lack of initiative.  And they talk – more deeply than they have in years.

That husband is fulfilling God’s purpose in marriage.  He is displaying Christ’s grace.  His caring for his wife enough to risk awkwardness shows Christ’s care for the church.  His willingness to endure discomfort and pain for his wife shows Christ’s willingness to die for the church.  He is displaying Christ’s grace.

Now those are dramatic examples.  But they illustrate the point.  There will be many times that your spouse will not be what you would like him or her to be, and you can display Christ’s grace towards the church.  There will be many times when it’s hard to love your spouse, and you can display Christ’s love towards the church.  There will be many times when you need to give something up to care for your spouse, and you can display Christ’s love towards the church.  There will be many times when you need to forgive your spouse, and you can display Christ’s forgiveness towards the church.

But how is this possible?  How is it possible to display Christ’s grace in your marriage?  There’s only one way.  To base your marriage on Christ’s grace.  I’m not talking about the two of you basing your marriage on Christ’s grace.  That’s the aim, but that’s not where you start.  Start with what you can do by yourself.

I’m talking about you, husband, doing all you can to base your marriage on Christ’s grace – regardless of what your wife does – so that your every thought and word and feeling and action displays Christ’s grace.  I’m talking about you, wife, doing all you can to base your marriage on Christ’s grace – regardless of what your husband does – so that your every thought and word and feeling and action displays Christ’s grace.

So how do you do that?  That’s what we’ll be unfolding over the next few weeks.  But here’s the key.  Sink your own roots deep into Christ’s grace towards you.  Think deeply on Scriptures displaying Christ’s grace towards you.  Pray and worship and adore Christ’s grace towards you.

And as you do that, you will be secured – knowing that you are saved from the wrath of God, forgiven through the Cross, clothed with Jesus’ righteousness, adopted into God’s family, with God as your loving, caring Father, who promises to guide you, provide for you, comfort you, strengthen you now and forever.  You will be secured.

And you will be satisfied – because you know that you have Jesus Christ as your God now and forever, because His presence is fullness of joy, because His love comforts you, you will be satisfied.

And when you are secured and satisfied in Jesus’ grace, you will be able to love your spouse, forgive your spouse, serve your spouse – and it will be a display of Jesus’ grace.

What to do this week?  Two things.

First, take special time to sink your roots into Christ’s grace.  Seek him with all your heart in prayer and the Word – and receive His grace, His love, His forgiveness.  Then, as you are secured and satisfied in grace, you will be able to give grace.

Then second, husbands, initiate a time to talk with your wives.  Ask each other – what’s one way I could show you more of Jesus’ grace?  Just one way.  And then each of you, continue to receive grace, so you can give this grace.

Sunday Morning Worship: 10:00am

Allen at Steinbeck Elementary School
820 Steinbeck Dr
San Jose, CA 95123

Ph. 408.997.9387

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